well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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