GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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