Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
How's work?
Spinning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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