using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
