Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
