There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Bring me that man meat
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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