wat bout pragnant strippers??
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
