party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
