I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
