Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
