Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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