I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
