Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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