May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
