There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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