I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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