I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
