I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
