Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
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We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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