You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
