I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
