the condom got lost in my hair
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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