I want to make a zoo with you.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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