I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
