i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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