I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
