Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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