shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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