I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm like, not good at living.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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