you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
