Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
