There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
