my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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