She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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