Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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