The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
