I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
