You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
