Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
