God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
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I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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