I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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