spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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