I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
