Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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