Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
