So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
