You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
