mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
