I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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