Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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