On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
