god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
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yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...