I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
