after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
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Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
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I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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