So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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