my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
